Tuesday, January 31, 2012
I own my appearance. I look this way because i am who i am, and i've done what i've chosen to do. I'm not really proud nor ashamed, i'm just me. Some of the long-term modifications to my appearance (such as the nose and ear-piercings) are gone but tiny scars remain, and i don't mind. Some of the drugs for managing long-term survival with AIDS have also resulted in apparent modifications, and i'm not sure i'm happy with any of that, but i can't change that.
Off and on during my many decades i've enjoyed wearing my hair in a mohawk. It doesn't seem possible any more. Lots of other things begin to have their possibilities questioned, but of course that is typical as we age. With disease, there might be acceleration of the questionability.
Holding a hand mirror and my camera, with my back turned to the triple-vanity-mirrors, i photographed my (unavoidable) appearance.
I think i'm going to keep playing on the merry-go-round of HAART but it's becoming difficult enough to be so questionable to me. I really don't care if my appearance becomes scarred, but when the pain and toxic damage is unbearable, it's time to abandon certain medications. That's how it works.
When i was growing up, many hillbilly neighbors who lived in the trailer park with us swamp trash were proud of the scars they'd acquired for various stupid reasons. They would recount idiotic stories of how they'd been involved in primitive acts of violence, drunken vandalism, tantrums, or merely random pointless stupid dares, and they'd show some scar as a lasting testament to their idiocy.
I don't know whether it will ultimately be stupid or smart for me to continue taking certain categories of medications, but the scars cause me to ask tough questions. The questions about the damage to things on the inside, such as brains and organs, are more important to me than the trivial issues of superficial appearance.
I don't really care much how i look any more. I'm made of fucking poison. I guess i won't be able to have a mohawk any more. I suppose i'll just have to keep looking like the updated me, however that happens to be.